A Widow Releases Personal Belongings, Sells Her House, Releases the Roles That Died With Her Husband

When my husband died, I had to make a decision about continuing to
live in our home or selling it. For 3 1/2 years, I reflected, talked
with my kids, meditated, prayed and waited for the clear answer.
Flying from Maryland to California for a conference brought my
answer.I was sitting on the plane with my eyes closed and relaxing.
All of a sudden an image appeared in my mind. A medium-sized U-haul
was sitting in my driveway. The words, "Clear your house as if you are
moving across the country" popped into my mind. My eyes opened wide as
I thought, "Am I moving across the country?" No clear answer. The
words "Clear your house as if you are moving across the country" kept
playing over and over in my head.I understood the message. Clear your
stuff. Clear out everything you are holding onto that no longer fits
in your life. I had cleared my husband's things, now it was time for
me.I started with one room. My goal was to clear things out of that
room for 3 days. Wake up in the morning, make the coffee, pull a few
boxes off the shelves and spend an hour assessing before beginning the
day. Lunchtime arrived and I spent another hour; after dinner, another
hour. I kept hearing the words, let go, let go, let go. It became my
mantra.Here is an example of my process: I had four huge storage boxes
filled with cake decorating supplies. First I thought of the memories
and the times I had used the supplies. Next, I asked myself, "When was
the last time you baked a cake? Answer: Four years ago. Question: Do
you still need 20 character cake pans?"I sorted through them, called a
friend to see if she wanted any of the supplies, created a space for
an indoor yard sale, posted the info on Facebook and Craigslist. After
a week or two, anything that was left was loaded into the car and
dropped off at the Salvation Army. I went through this process with
everything in my home. Craft supplies, books, clothes, papers,
furniture, tools, kitchen equipment, and everything else.After three
days in the first room, the next inspiration came to me. Sell the
house. I talked with Hannah, my youngest daughter who still lived in
the house with me. We agreed. We were both ready to let it go. I
called a real estate manager and we made a plan to walk through the
house and put it on the market in 4 weeks. I was in action mode. I
woke up every morning with the question. What action do I take today
to release the house? Clear next steps emerged every day. Every week
layer after layer after layer was cleared out of the house.As part of
letting go of the "stuff" I was also letting go of parts of me. I had
to let go of the woman who brought craft supplies to the beach for her
nieces and nephews. I had to let go of the Girl Scout leader, the home
school mom, and the woman who created community events with crafts for
the kids. With each step, there was an internal push-pull within me. I
loved the life I had been living for the last 10 years. I loved
working with our home schooling community. I loved my house. I loved
it all!I felt like I could stay in my community and do this work
forever. I would continue working with kids in the community and then
someday my grandchildren. But, something inside of me had changed
after the death of my husband and I had to let go to discover the next
path for myself. In case I had any doubts, the external world
reflected it was time to let go, too. Many people in my community were
moving on to other parts of their lives. It wasn't just me who was
shutting the door. I felt like God was playing a cosmic joke on
me.God: So, you think you are going to hang out in Baltimore in the
same house doing the same thing.
Me: Yes, why not. I love this life
and I have been making a difference here. I want to stay here. What
else would I do?
God: (Big hearty laugh) Oh, my dear, you must let go
of all of this before I will reveal your new life. You are so
precious...Just wait and see...I developed a weekly routine. On Tues,
Wed, Thurs, I grieved the loss of whatever I just released. I played
John Denver songs, like Perhaps Love and sat in my bed crying. Who
would I be when all of the stuff was gone? Who am I without the titles
of the roles I had been playing? Would I still be loved? Would I have
value?The biggest thing to release was my home. My heart and soul was
in this house. When we bought it in 1998, it had three falling down
ceilings, and 27 broken windows boarded up with plywood. There was
graffiti throughout the house. We worked on the house for 5 months
before we moved in to continue renovating. We paid someone to install
the windows and update the fuse box to a new breaker system. The rest
of it we did ourselves. Every weekend for 5 months we sanded and
refinished floors, repaired and painted walls and ceilings. So many
memories were in the walls of the house. I thought this was the house
I would grow old in and my children would come live here when I was
too old to climb the three stories of stairs.I cried and released
until somewhere in the middle of clearing and preparing to sell the
house, meeting with the home school groups to finalize the paperwork
for Hannah's 10th grade year and thinking about new steps for the
Conscious Choices Book, a series of new ideas arrived.Move to
California. With the release of all of my personal belongings, there
were dreams dying which made way for new dreams. Hannah declared that
we would move to Los Angeles when we visited the city in 2005 and
2006. For the first time, I was feeling that, too.A willingness to let
go will open the door to infinite possibilities.