Identifying Dysfunctional Dating Patterns: Trying to Save the Deeply Wounded Person

A friend of mine works tirelessly in low-income urban schools,
trying to help kids in poverty get an excellent education. A colleague
of mine rescues abused dogs and finds them good homes. A woman I used
to volunteer with spends long days advocating for the preservation of
old growth forests.A lot of us have a strong desire to help the less
fortunate living things on this planet. Without all of these amazing
activists, our world be a far less healthy and happy place.But ladies
and gentleman, please. Your relationship is so not the place to play
out your need to "save" others. Volunteer for a non-profit, change
your career to a more service-oriented one, do one altruistic act per
day. But leave the deeply wounded people to their therapists. (If they
are even insightful enough to realize they need one).Getting involved
with a deeply wounded person who needs you to rescue them from his/her
own dysfunction is only a recipe for a relationship disaster.How can
you tell if you are, in fact, drawn to the deeply wounded person?
Think about your last (or current) relationship. Then ask yourself:
Did this person use a hurt from his/her past (an abusive childhood, a
bad marriage, etc) to justify his/her toxic behavior?If the answer is
yes, then you're probably dealing with a deeply wounded person. And if
you continue to allow someone else's "deep wounds" to dictate your
love life, you are in trouble.Let's put things in perspective. In
healthy romantic relationships, both partners give to each other more
or less equally. When one partner is deeply wounded, he/she needs to
be continuously rescued. This puts the other partner in the role of an
emotional paramedic. This is a role that is one-sided and often
enables the deeply wounded person not to get the help he/she really
needs in order to be a healthy and functioning adult.If you find
yourself continuously saving someone from their own self-destruction,
you are in an unequal relationship. Eventually, you will begin to
resent your partner for not being able to meet your needs and the
relationship will end, with you probably feeling bitter and
resentful.There is only one healthy way to deal with deeply wounded
people and that is to let them go so that they may be inspired to get
help they need.Perhaps you think this sounds harsh. Let me ask you:
Have you ever been hurt? Wounded, perhaps?Exactly. We all have, in one
way or another. Some of us chose to deal with our past hurts, heal
them and move on and others chose to use their past hurts as excuses
for their current, unhealthy behaviors. Those who use their wounds as
excuses for not committing, for engaging in addictions, or for abusing
others are not worth your time.The deeply wounded person is only
interested in her own agenda and if you get romantically involved with
her, she will deeply wound you.When you start to notice this red
flag-a person using a hurt from their past to excuse present,
unhealthy behavior-you have before you a deeply wounded person. This
means only one thing: It's time to move on. Healthier, and much better
people, await.