Control Is The Enemy Of Intimacy

I want to talk to you about SOMETHING BIG that gets in the way of
having a good love relationship.It's... CONTROL.It's about trying to
have CONTROL in a relationship. You know the 'it's my may or the
highway' or some variation on that.Not only is CONTROL THE ENEMY OF
INTIMACY... but your mate will come to resent you over time.You can't
really experience true intimacy if you are busy being in control.The
skills that make a good attorney or an efficiency expert engineer do
not make for a good spouse. A conductor or a manager HAS to be 'in
charge.' It's his job.However... AT HOME...The very essence of
Intimacy is giving up control. And I'm speaking of much more than your
sex life. To have true intimacy, you need to surrender... give up
controlling things.Take for example the common situation where both
partners have careers. They often need to have some control in their
work lives in order to be successful. But it can be difficult to make
the switchbetween the control they need at work and the lack of
control they need at home with a lover.SO....DO NOT TRY THAT AT
HOME.Of course, we all want some measure of control in our lives,
but...Control can sabotage your love life.If your focus is being in
control, you will shut down your partner's honest communication with
you.So how do you move from the struggle for control to intimacy?You
can begin to grow intimacy in your relationship, but giving up control
and revealing your real thoughts to your partner, without thinking you
already know his response.One of the most important, but difficult
things to do in a love relationship is to state your honest feelings
and then wait for the response... without getting defensive... just
listening... In other words, to be yourself in spite of the
response.When you do this, you open the door to possible
rejection--it's true--but you also allow the deepening bond between
you and your mate to grow stronger.AND THE GOOD NEWS...Intimacy will
grow as you grow with it.So, why does it seem easier to have
'intimacy' in the beginning of the relationship?In the beginning, you
are just starting to know one another and most often... you know
that... trying to control the other person is NOT a good idea. And,
let's face it: you're on your best behavior and not revealing 'all' of
you.In the beginning of a relationship, you listen to one another...
usually without being defensive. You really want to get to know this
person, so you listen and learn.Then we make a commitment to our
mate... and suddenly, we can be busy trying to make our future come
out the way we have planned it... and therein begins...THE STRUGGLE
FOR CONTROLIt can be really interesting to observe your own behavior
over the period of a week... to see what is happening with 'control'
between you and your mate.This is not for the purpose of telling your
partner what he/she is doing wrong!It is to take note of your own
behaviors and feelings--to see how they are interfering with intimacy.
Only the awareness gives you the chance to change it!