"You're not the boss of me! I won't go clean my room right now!"
"That's the blue blouse. I want the red one!" "This spaghetti looks
like somebody else already ate it!" "She hit me first. I never touched
her once!" "I hate this dumb place and I never want to go back here
again."Sound familiar? Most of us are pretty familiar with this kind
of talk. How we deal with it affects our children more profoundly than
we might know.There is a direct connection between how children feel
and how they behave. When they feel right, they'll behave right.But
feeling right doesn't happen as a result of the typical reaction of
most adults to these situations. What's typical? How about these:
"I'm going to count to five and by that time you'd better be cleaning
your room!" "Wear the red one, it looks better on you." "It took me an
hour to cook that spaghetti and you'll eat what I put on the table."
"I saw you hit her." "It's not nice to say this is a dumb place and
you need to apologize."We've all given these or similar responses. And
what was the outcome? Stomping to her room; grumpy about wearing the
red blouse. Eating three strands of spaghetti and playing with the
rest. And so on and so on. What we need to realize is that we just put
ourselves in a power struggle that we will inevitably loose. And in
the process our children feel rebellious and angry. It's a loose-loose
situation.So what do we do instead?First of all, don't deny your
child's feelings. Feelings are feelings are feelings. Just because we
want them to change doesn't make them change.Instead, listen to your
child's feelings with full attention. Then acknowledge what you hear.
That's all. Just listen and acknowledge.Second: give the feelings a
name. Young children often are overwhelmed by feelings and don't know
what's happening to them. Giving a name to the feeling helps the child
identify and have a sense of control over it.Finally, try to give your
child their wishes in imagination inasmuch as it's possible.For
example, consider this conversation between mother and child."I don't
want this spaghetti - it looks yukky!"
"You really don't like that
sphaghetti! You don't like the way it looks."
"No. I want a
cheeseburger. I love cheeseburgers."
"I hear how much you want a
cheeseburger."
"Ya. I like it with tomatoes."
"I really wish we had
cheese burgers. If I had a magic wand I'd make them appear right now,
with tomatoes on them."
"Ya. And with lettuce and ketchup."
"With
lettuce and ketchup. And mustard for me."
"Can we have cheeseburgers
tomorrow?"
"Maybe tomorrow or on Friday!"
"Ok. I guess I can eat some
sphaghetti tonight."Your child has expressed her feelings and heard
yours. You're a team now instead of fighting each other.Here's an
example of giving your child a word for those feelings. Your child has
just come home and told you that she was being yelled at by her
teacher in front of everybody. After listening to her story, label the
feeling you hear her expressing."Ms. Jackson yelled at me in front of
everybody and I didn't take the pencil, honest."
"You feel really bad
about that. That must have been embarrassing!"
"Ya. I wanted to hide
in the bathroom!"Your child feels heard and understood and she has
your support. The situation is manageable and she is not alone.This
process takes a little practice. Try reading the following scenarios
and, using our suggestions, decide what you would say and how you
would label the feeling involved.1. I'd like to sock that Andy right
smack in his head!
2. Just because it snowed today we had to stay
inside. My teacher is so mean.
3. Mary is gonna move away and she's
my best friend!One hint: resist the temptation to make it all better
right away. That just takes the problem away momentarily but doesn't
solve anything in the long run. It may distract for the moment but
doesn't deal with the feelings that remain undealt with. Those
feelings will just pop up again later.The next time your child has
strong feelings about a situation, determine to try our three steps
and be ready to see the difference!In summary: when we acknowledge
feelings instead of denying them, we help children understand and deal
with the feelings they experience. Our children know that they have
our support and they are not alone. As a result children feel better
about themselves and the world around them and their behavior reflects
these feelings. Adults and children are both in a win-win situation.
Enregistrer un commentaire